Having just lived a terrifying (yet empowering) experience, I can confirm that trauma lives on in the body, nervous system and subconscious mind, long after the rational mind says, “We’re safe now”.
Here’s what went down, an empowerment initiation in real time …
Friday, mid-afternoon, after hiking with the dogs near my home village in Lake Atitlán, Guatemala, I returned them to Daddy’s place and walked home solo. Along the way, two local teenage boys passed me. I had a bad feeling. I listened to that feeling and readied myself. They stopped just ahead of me and asked for my bag, seeming shy at first. When I said ‘no’ firmly they became increasingly aggressive. The older boy started to pull a machete or knife from a sheath at his waist as he insisted I give him my bag. I had pepper spray in hand (as I always do when I hike) and I immediately aimed it at his eyes, but did not fire. I then blew my whistle (also ready in the other hand) over and over again! They got scared and turned the other way.
I bolted home, alerted my community, and then turned my attention to soothing my nervous system.
Typically, I self-isolate to soothe, but this time I’ve been talking about it openly with loved ones, calling in the support of community, and allowing myself some surrender after having stood so strongly in my power.
Because within every FIERCE LIONESS is a DELICATE KITTEN.
What has helped me in this process:
receiving massage
plant bath
hugs & good company
sips of cacao
nourishing foods
words of support
being seen & heard
crying, shaking, moving
singing & drumming
journalling
curling up in bed
turning off social media
sitting in the echoes of it all
I also want to acknowledge that I’ve been in threatening situations in the past where I’ve experienced a ‘freeze’ response, then felt shame and confusion about it afterwards.
So while I am grateful that I stood in my power this time, I also know what it feels like on the flip side.
There are probably people reading this who have felt powerlessness in such a situation. My heart goes out to you.
My heart also goes out to those boys. Looking into their eyes, for a moment, I saw myself.
I pray that they find their way.
And though I have compassion, I also have my lion’s ROAR!!!
Reflecting further, I can see that last year’s jiujitsu training (backed up by my whole toolkit of embodied awareness practices) has helped me to get more comfortable with chaos (in this case; close-contact violent confrontation), and has been helpful in re-training my nervous system to be able to work with what’s present in a confident, calm, and courageous way.
Perhaps it all comes down to this: AWARENESS and PREPAREDNESS.
And probably a bit of luck.
Truth is, at the moment when it mattered, I was in a state of embodied presence, aware of my surroundings and my internal sensations. My intuition was two steps ahead of the attackers. My chosen tools were at the ready. And I felt confident and well-practised in using the tools (even though a huge part of me was scared shitless).
That doesn’t mean it was easy.
Nor would I wish this experience upon anyone.
It could have also gone so many different ways. I am grateful the situation did not escalate.
And my response is not necessarily right. It’s the best I could do in the moment, with what I had to work with.
For me and my nervous system, the journey of empowerment continues, patiently, one step at a time, not always in a linear way.
In this, I know that I’m not alone.
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