OPEN JOURNAL #1 - A Vulnerability Experiment

Perhaps I have perpetuated a misperception…

The illusion that I am always ‘living my best life’, perfectly put-together, spiritually all-knowing, free from the faults & frailties of embodied life. 

Ha! 

I hope these pages from my JOURNAL tell an alternative story, honouring the complexities of being human.

This is not AI.

This is OPEN JOURNAL: A Vulnerability Experiment.

These are inner workings of my mind; unfiltered, raw, true at the time of writing.

Take what resonates. Leave what doesn’t.

I offer this with the intention of stretching the edges of authenticity - in me - in us.

In the interest of privacy, I have left out dates, locations, and names. 

Thank you for reading.

With love, 

Stephanie

👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼👇🏼

 OPEN JOURNAL: 

A Vulnerability Experiment

#1

Woke up kinda hungover in the city. Crawling out of bed at 9:30AM after a bingey evening at home with a bottle of bubbly, some whip-it-together convenience store food and Clueless on the big screen TV (something I’ve lived so long without). Date night with me. Even my 10-year-old self was welcome to the party with this 1995 pop culture nostalgia. “As if!” Hahahahaha!

I found myself reaching for the familiarity of male attention and affection - drunk texting (guys…). Feeling somewhat annoyed when no one was grabbing the bait. Stephanie, really?! Come on!

Wading into deeper waters of aloneness as my path of sovereignty continues.

For now, this is my journey - my vision quest - to be alone with myself, fully, in all my choices.

I walked downstairs to the bottom of this condo to buy myself a much needed coffee. 

What a privilege to have such services so close. 

The trade off is the constant noise of city traffic and the strangeness of living alone in an isolate concrete box in the sky amidst so many people who also live alone in their box.

Resisting the “I should’ feeling of needing to go out and sight-see.

Claiming a quiet-ish morning at home to reflect… and poop…

Tomorrow is another travel day. 

Today, there is absolutely no rush. 

The world is not going anywhere.

This yoga mat I sit on asks me to re-commit to a practice of moving my body intentionally.  

Perhaps today is that day. Perhaps not. 

Maybe… after more caffeine!

Feeling tired, yet determined to follow through on birthing my new offerings into the world.

Questioning if it might be easier or more wise to abort.

I am a single parent after all… Am I really up for this?

Trusting that the ‘baby’ chose me for a reason… a cycle of creation I must continue through to completion.

I can only nurture it so much.

Eventually it will have to get out there and leave its own mark on the world, something I cannot control.

I trust the process. 

And I’m also terrified.